The Senseless Seven

An object will be in a state of uniform motion until something external affects it, said Newton. If you open the box, you might have killed the cat, said Schrodinger. But then Murphy came along and said “Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong”. If nothing messes with the normal proceedings of your daily routine, you will not be disturbed. If no one opens your box, you will not be killed. But since both of these are possible, they will certainly happen, and you will be disturbed, and also might be killed. Now, moving away from the morbidity of this revelation, I tried to make a list of all those inherently awkward things that we hope do not happen, but they always end up happening, handing Murphy the trophy. The tiny insignificant things that make your day irregular and make you sigh and give up – insignificant maybe, but certainly there!

Junk Song Syndrome: Those ridiculous lyrics, that cacophony, the ultimate test of your song-skipping reflexes. Where blood pressure and ear infection are directly proportional to the frequency and volume of song. But it pops up in your head at the most unexpected of times, one bit of the song playing over and over again, and God forbid you accidentally hum it in front of those judgmental humans! These are the times I wish I could Disapparate or at least Obliviate muggles with the same reflexes I would normally use to skip that song.

I was almost in tears when the movie “Inside Out” so beautifully captured this process!

Brain-to-Mouth Wiring Fault: This phenomenon embarrasses the best of social butterflies and the most cautious of us. Some are subtle, like when you don’t know how to respond to sudden compliments and do the grin-haha-thank routine. Others are plain horrendous – those times when you just can’t believe yourself for what you just “ejaculated”! That’s my favorite expression (courtesy PG Wodehouse) for going out of control and blurting out things that I never thought my brain was capable of thinking. The split-second reaction which I did not see coming. Sometimes foolish (can be rectified with a foolish-er grin), sometimes unacceptable (this is where you lose friends).

Spam-Clearing Compulsion: It could just be harmless inclination of having a clean email, or could eat into your everyday routine and paralyze your neurons if not done. If the “Hooray! No spam here!” message calms your nerves and clears your bronchoalveolar tract and lightens you up, you might have a slight problem, especially when you know you can do better with your time. There are some that are on auto-pilot and can vacuum-clean the spam folder within seconds with their eyes closed, and some others who would scan the messages before doing that – this is the type of entertainment that makes or breaks someone’s day(s), much like the decision to go bar-crawling on a Friday night – you either have the time of your life, or you black out and spend the weekend recovering.

Bipolar Laughter: This is most impossible to figure out, personally. The entirety of your social life depends on politely smiling at not-at-all-funny jokes people crack. But what I cannot fathom is when truly funny wisecracks barely make your lips curl, but the lamest of jokes makes you holler, at which point you can clearly hear others judging you. Why can’t we have laughter control in our heads?

Self-Improvement Initiatives: I go to bed almost every single day planning the whole of next day, starting at 7 in the morning, even set alarms. But when my first alarm goes off, I obviously want to believe it’s just a bad dream that will stop ringing. It isn’t as bad when someone else makes the plans for you – like a class, or a meeting that you must attend. It’s the self-inflicted “I-can-do-it” “I-should-be-responsible” plans that hurt the most. Especially if someone else is involved. To add to the angst of it all, if you fall back on your pillow after turning off your alarm, well, you might as well just die in your sleep than explain to your manager why you were an hour late to a meeting you scheduled.

The Final-Second Memory Impairment: The phenomenon when you clearly remember everything you have to do until the very second of action arrives. You have drawn a flowchart in your head – walk down the hall, pick up the notebook on your way, and carry on. But you just walk down the hall and… carry on. Low fuel – drive down this lane, take a left (taking a right will lead to 15 min detour before you get to a gas station), fill gas, then go to work. But you just drive down the lane… did you guess right? Of course. Right.

The Borborygmous: When your insides want to be heard. It’s like farting – only more embarrassing because this is the sound sans the stench and it can actually be traced to a person. There are certain times when it goes unnoticed – when people are talking loudly, while watching TV. And other times when I want to go back to Disapparating – in the pregnant silence after a fight, when you are presenting, when you are in a serious, quiet meeting (if it’s after lunchtime you can’t help but cry to your stomach about how unfairly it treats you)

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